lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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