If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
