I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
