whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
