my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
