i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
a search helicopter?!
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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