I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
