fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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