I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
