Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
