loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
