my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
