why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
