don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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