I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
