Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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