Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
