I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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