Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
