some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
