I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
