Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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