just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
