I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
