I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
