what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
