So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
