I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
