I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
