I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
