I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
