My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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