we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
