No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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