So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
