I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
