he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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