ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I AM VODKA MAN
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
