The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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