bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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