Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
