he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's never too late to be topless.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
