he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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