They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
