I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
