Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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