some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
