I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
