my sisters under your porch take her home
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
