yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
